Being sick makes me an emotional asshole

God bless you.

A phrase I have heard WAY too often in the last month for having not been to church. Or around a church, or even as a passing insult from a Jehova’s witness as I tell them I don’t have time for the word of god… while I’m waiting for the bus and clearly not going anywhere.

But those words permeate my thick sinuses and make their way through my brain and down behind my achy lungs and finally to my black shrunken heart, and finally I realize… I don’t need a new blessing. I need to stop treating the ones I already have like shit.

I’m not a religious person, but I was brain-washed raised in the Roman Catholic faith so not only do I still sometimes think in those terms, I also feel an intense oppressive guilt whenever I stop to think about all the things I’ve done wrong in my life.

And when I get sick, the floodgates all but splinter and burst under the pressure.

I end up making my lists of sins in my head and make myself feel worse. Which, then turns into me making the people around me miserable because my tolerance for hearing about any new mistakes I make goes right down to zero.

The guilt of taking a sick day also gets twisted into an ironic shit show, as I can’t sit still. I keep thinking “I’m not at work, I should clean the apartment because sin no. 10078 is that I am SUCH a slob.” and then if someone happens to mention; “Hey, you put the towel back in the wrong spot again, I keep telling you it’ll never dry there” or “Hey maybe you could phone earlier when you plan on calling in sick so we can get someone to cover your shift” or evenHey I called and left a message three days ago about your hair appointment could you call me back?” I go freaking ballistic.

I become such a self centered asshole when I’m sick, and I just want to write this as an open apology to everyone who has to deal with me during these times when my veins are full of snot and vinegar.

I’m sure this doesn’t make up for the miserable cretin who told you you’re fat in response to some innocuous thing you said earlier. I didn’t mean it. In fact I’m just angry that I’m sick and you’re not.

But mostly I’m sorry for letting the sins of my past cloud my ability to notice the sins of my present. What happened before should never take precedent over what you’re doing now. This is a reminder to future Steph; open your eyes and turn off your shoulder-Catholic (since it’s really neither angel nor devil but some grotesque mix of the two) and don’t let yourself fall into the cycle of creating new reasons to hate yourself in the future.

I’m sorry, even if I know you shouldn’t accept it.

But whatever. Guess I’ll add it to the damn list.

 

 

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