Etiquette lesson for the modern day-time drunk

Hello you big city dwellers who bravely and rebelliously imbibe during the light of day. Have you ever thought to yourself, “I like to get wasted and walk around in public, but I’d also hate to ruin any of the sober people’s day with my inebriated state?” Then I have the solution FOR YOU! Read this list of common intoxi-quette (patent pending~) faux pas in order to truly get the most out of your sunshine staggers around town.

  1. Have a mint.
    Your breath is terrible after slurping down gallons of your tipple of choosing and we can ALL smell it – and from further away than you would think!
  2. Avoid commenting on people’s appearances
    Do not, for example walk up to the first white woman you see and profess your undying love for German woman and grab their bicep, which leads us to number 3!
  3.  NO PHYSICAL CONTACT
    As stated in rule #1, you stink and should stay out of arms length from EVERYONE. Also, while drunk people at a bar or club may or may not be ok with a bit of unsolicited random fondling, sober people are unanimously NOT ok with being forced to acknowledge your presence in the world in any sort of physical way. SO BACK THE FUCK OFF.
  4. Phrasing
    I know it’s hard to express yourself while the communication centers of your brain are full of bubbles and bourbon, but do yourself and anyone you feel the need to interact with on your personal adventure a favour and don’t experiment with new opening lines of conversation. For example “Excuse me, don’t be weird about this, but…” is NEVER an acceptable way to begin a conversation with a sober stranger on their way to work. Especially when the next thing you say is “That lady who just got off the bus was sitting in my favourite seat, I’m going to sit there now.” Just do everyone a favour and take the seat quietly and with the pride of knowing that you changing seats is most certainly not the weirdest thing anyone on the bus has ever seen.
  5. Stalking is BAD
    Never follow someone you don’t know. Especially if that person made the mistake of talking to you and then quickly tried to make excuses to leave. They WILL eventually get angry and call for help, and it won’t end well for you. I f you HAPPEN to run into that same person again and it legitimately was an ACCIDENT on your part, no matter how happy you might be to see that person, know that their politeness should not be mistaken for immediate, lasting friendship – AND LEAVE THEM ALONE.

So there you have it, five simple rules for your next drunken romp through the city. Thank you for not driving.

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